The generosity of spirit that my wife demonstrates in spades is at the foundation of our relationship (and my writing)
Jerry’s marriage carousel
I’ve been married three times.
Four, including renewing my vows with Michele, my last wife. I just wanted to ensure she hadn’t forgotten those “until death do us part” vows from the first ceremony. But the renewal ceremony took place in Vegas (Elvis was not involved), so I’m unsure if that falls under the “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas” umbrella. I do have that marriage certificate, though.
Seeing “married three times,” you’ll inevitably think one of two things. It’s either, “This guy must know a lot about marriage and relationships by now,” or “This guy clearly knows nothing about marriage and relationships.” Can two things be true at once? Note: the dialectical method says yes.
Unsurprisingly, my situation has been the fount of much humour over the years, such as when I tell Michele that she’s the best wife I’ve ever had — and I should know because I have a basis of comparison! Or when I tell people that, as well as my first and last wives, I’ve also had a midwife. And three separate bookshelves of wedding albums. Some quips have definitely been funnier than others.
I finally got it right
But this last time, I’ve gotten it very right, as my current and final wife and I have been together for over 25 years. And I came to understand very early on that the most significant reason for my enduring love for Michele is her generosity of spirit.
What exactly is generosity of spirit?
From my perspective, it’s when someone unfetteredly supports and celebrates who you are and what you do without expecting reciprocity. In other words, a gift that one person freely gives to another. Which is interesting because when one’s partner is so giving and pure of motive, you want to reciprocate all the more. At its very core, generosity of spirit is basic human kindness that manifests in both deed and word.
What might generosity of spirit look like?
In our 25 years together, I’ve often jokingly said that I am a Prairie-born Ukrainian(-Canadian) who has always wanted to be a Maritimer, while Michele is a Maritime-born Scots-Irish who has always wanted to be a Ukrainian.
I got my wish back in 2019 when we moved here to New Brunswick on Canada’s glorious East Coast, where we plan to stay forever (unless we somehow become part of the US forcibly – then all bets are off, but that’s a topic for another time).
For Michele, on the other hand, “becoming a Ukrainian” was more gradual. Over time, she learned how to prepare a full 12-course Ukrainian Christmas Eve dinner, acquired some Ukrainian clothing, and even picked up a few words of the language.
But because of her generosity of spirit, there has been so much more yet to her “Ukrainian-ness,” especially since the arrival of many Ukrainians in New Brunswick after the bastard Russians invaded their home country (and my ancestral home) in February 2022.
Generosity of spirit in action
One Sunday this past January was a prime example. From time to time, I feel the need to be around the language and the culture, including even in a church setting, despite not considering myself to be particularly religious (Michele is the same when it comes to religion). We live in a French-speaking community 1.5 hours from Moncton, where one of only two Ukrainian churches in the Maritimes is located.
When I asked Michele whether she’d consider attending a church service and a Ukrainian potluck meal that Sunday, she didn’t hesitate to say yes, and this wasn’t the first time she’d done so. And, not only that, she prepared a pot of borshch (yes, that’s the correct Ukrainian transliteration — screw you, spell-checked borsht) to contribute to the communal meal.
She didn’t have to do any of that.
In fact, if she’d declined and I had to go by myself, I wouldn’t have given it a second thought. I respect her choices just as she respects mine. Yet she chooses to go to such gatherings, even though she is an introvert who spends most of the time surrounded by a language she barely understands. That’s just who she is.
Courageous. Open-minded. Generous of spirit.
The greatest gift of them all
But then, there’s the most extraordinary example of generosity of spirit of all, namely the time and space Michele gives me to do what I’m doing and be who I’m being right now, which is writing and being a writer (not always the same thing).
She is almost three years younger than I. At 63, Michele plans to continue working part-time for another couple of years. With her salary and pensions, she brings in the lion’s share of the household income. I, on the other hand, am not working, at least not in the “employed by someone else” sense of the term. I have my Canada Pension and my Old Age Security, but that’s about it.
And I know you might find this hard to believe, but my writing isn’t exactly generating a living wage just yet, despite my even having authored a book (which sold reasonably well in a very limited niche). Imagine that. So Michele unquestionably has the final say on matters financial.
My wife’s generosity of spirit is what allows be to be a writer
If she were to say, “You’re not going to sit around the house and chase down some foolish non-paying writing dream while I work and cover the bills, so go find something that pays,” I would do so in a heartbeat as a matter of fairness and respect. But she doesn’t say that. Or anything like it.
Instead, she says, without hesitation, “We can make this work. We always do. You write in whatever way you see fit – I’m behind you 100%.” So I not only get to write, I get to be a writer in my “last quarter” because of her gift of time, space, and blessing. Generosity of spirit, indeed.
Showing gratitude for the gift she has given me
I show my respect and appreciation for what Michele has given me by treating writing as my job — a dream job, but a job nonetheless. I get up every day at 6 AM and am usually writing or doing something related to writing by 8:00 or 8:30 (there are exceptions, of course). Most days, I finish around 4 PM.
I’d like to think I also reciprocate her kindness by supporting and encouraging her interests. Example: by building her an indoor gardening workbench and making room for approximately two million houseplants. Give or take. It has to be a two-way street, one with much greenery in this case.
There are many reasons why our marriage is a daily dream come true for me, but Michele’s generosity of spirit is foundational among these. When each person has the space to be who he or she is truly meant to be, there’s endless room for a relationship to blossom and endure.
And, in my case, I think I’ve been married enough times to know.
I hope.
