Divorce 25 years on: Our daughter is still reaping the benefits

Divorce doesn’t have to be ugly

The meeting of the wives

The first time my then-wife, Laura, met my new girlfriend, Michele, neither said very much.

As Michele – who would become my current (and final, dammit) wife – remembers it, Laura simply stood there, peering over her sunglasses, sizing up this strange woman sitting on the chesterfield in what had been her home.

As might be expected, there were icicles in the air when I introduced them, but no rancour. They even got to know each other a bit over the next while and had some fun with the situation. One night, not long after they met, they went to the bar together, where Laura introduced Michele to someone as “my husband’s girlfriend.” Cue the awkward laughter.

This wouldn’t be the last time their good relationship played a role in all of our lives (nor the last time we all had some fun with it in public), and it meant that Laura’s and my daughter, Jillian, who was 3 at the time, would never be caught in the middle of an ugly divorce the way some kids are.

In fact, she has benefited a great deal over time from that long-ago divorce, and not just because everyone decided to get along. Turns out that two sets of parents can sometimes provide opportunities one set of parents cannot.

Three things that ensured a smooth transition from divorce to new relationship

I was 40 and had been separated for a few months (the divorce was not finalized until a bit later) when a mutual friend introduced Michele and me. I knew we had a future when she came to watch me play rec hockey and joined us all in the dressing room afterward for our well-deserved liquid rewards.

In case it’s not apparent, this would not be every woman’s dream of a second date (lunch was the first). Wasn’t her last time either. Definitely a keeper.

And she was also obviously generous of spirit, as the wife/girlfriend thing above would attest.

No need to recount our whole love story here, but three things were critical as our relationship deepened and evolved. One is that Michele and Jillian got along very well right from day one. Another is that Michele knew very well that Laura was Jillian’s mother and never tried to displace her, so no one felt threatened. The third is that Michele was from the Maritimes and had family there.

All enriched Jillian’s life in ways that might not have happened in the absence of divorce.

Divorce aftermath: Michele and I

Michele and I bought a travel trailer not long after we met, and then another one a few years later. We travelled throughout the three Prairie Provinces and into parts of the northern US, then parked our trailer for a few years at a campground where we would travel every weekend. Jillian would often bring friends or find things to do by herself when no friends were available.

We also travelled the Maritimes to visit Michele’s family and see the sights every two years from 2004 onward, which is something I’m not sure Jillian would ever have had the chance to do outside of divorce and with Michele in her life. Moreover, she found herself connected there to a whole new “step-family,” with grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins, all of whom welcomed her with open arms.

You can never have too many people in your life who care about you.

Divorce aftermath: Laura and Patrick

Laura’s life, for its part, took some twists and turns after we divorced, but she ultimately ended up with a fellow from Ontario, Patrick, with whom she’s been in a relationship for many years now. They met in Edmonton, but his roots and family are back east in Canada’s most populous province (where they both now live), which also enriched Jillian’s life in some exciting ways.

Patrick’s family has a cottage on Georgian Bay, where Jillian has stayed several times, and which I even had the pleasure of visiting once. There’s also Patrick’s family, who have welcomed Jillian into their fold the same way Michele’s family did. Yet another interesting place to visit and more people who care about her, neither of which would have been part of her experience had her mother and I not decided to divorce.

These places and people are all, of course, in addition to whatever Jillian and I (basketball road trips) or Jillian and Laura (hiking) did together as our respective relationships evolved in the absence of the other birth parent. Difficult to say whether we would have cultivated those opportunities had Laura and I stayed together.

Divorce aftermath: Two Christmases

The good working relationship among all of us meant that Jillian had four parents living in two households within relative proximity to each other in Jillian’s pre-adult years. This meant more parents attending Jillian’s dance recitals and theatre productions, more parents to do things with, and more parents to offer perspectives and advice, those few times a teenager seeks out such a thing.

One of my favourite two-household memories is the doubled-up Christmases we would celebrate. The first was on December 25, while the other was Ukrainian Christmas, with the special part of it being the Christmas Eve supper on January 6.

Jillian would spend December 25 with Laura and Patrick or Laura’s parents, which is when she would get some presents. In our house, there were no presents, as we gave the money instead to charity instead.

Then, not only would Jillian be at our house for the Ukrainian Christmas supper, Laura and Patrick (and many others) would join us as well, so we could celebrate all together as the one big, weird but somehow functional family that we were. While some parents battle and negotiate “who gets the kids” on Christmas, we sidestepped this completely.

Those poor, unfortunate kids in families untainted by divorce had only one Christmas to celebrate with two parents.

On the other hand, Jillian had two Christmases with four parents – every kid should be as lucky as she was. She could have been the beaming poster child for divorce done properly.

It doesn’t have to be that way

All kidding aside (or some of it, at least), there is much good that can come out of divorce if all the parties involved are willing and determined to focus on the child’s well-being. It helps, of course, if the two ex-spouses aren’t at each other’s throats, which might require a lot of forgiveness both ways. Tall order for some.

But the worst thing a parent can do in a marriage breakdown is disrespect the other parent in front of the child. I’ve seen it happen with people I know over a long period, and the kids become damaged for life. And it doesn’t have to be that way, regardless of how the parents feel about each other.

It was a bit rough when Laura and I first split up for various reasons. However, not only did we eventually forgive and forget, but we never once weaponized our daughter, who was conceived in love and deserved much better. I’ll always be grateful that Laura and I both saw divorce the same way.

The kids win over a lifetime when divorce is not rancorous

Jillian is now almost 29, and all this post-divorce goodwill has carried on throughout the years, I’m thrilled to say. Three years ago, Jillian and Laura came together to visit us here in New Brunswick, with my wife and ex-wife finding all sorts of interesting things to do together here in the kitchen.

It was many years since they had sized each other up in that living room, yet here they were working side by side, cooking and baking up a storm. Divorce be damned.

My favourite story from that visit is from a night Michele was working. Laura, Jillian, and I went to a festival pub night in Miramichi, a small city about an hour from our place. It occurred to me that this was the first time in almost 20 years that just the three of us had gone out together to do something.

Starting up a conversation between songs, a fellow sitting near us asked, “That your wife and daughter?”

“Not exactly,” I said. And I couldn’t have been prouder.