Conversation: The overlooked truths about what makes it good

If you want to connect with people, you ignore these signposts of good conversation at your peril

Good conversation a relic of the past?

Some say that good conversation has gone by the wayside in the digital age.

I’m not sure that there was that much good conversation happening in the first place.

In fact, I’m going to go out on a limb and say that many (most?) of us don’t really know what the essence of a good conversation is.

What good conversation is not

Here’s what a good conversation is not:

one person doing all the talking, oblivious to how the other person is responding
either person thinking about what they’re going to say next instead of listening to what the other person is saying
one that makes you feel unheard, invalidated, belittled, judged or in any other way lesser than you felt before you engaged

Any of this sound familiar?

We’ve all been there, often buttonholed on the receiving end of that kind of draining experience, but also quite possibly on the giving end, whether we realized it at the time or not. Depends on our own individual “obliviousness sensitivity scale.”

Unsurprisingly, the way we handle ourselves in personal interactions depends on how we were raised and the extent to which our emotional intelligence has evolved (or not) over time. I grew up in an environment that was constantly argumentative, judgmental, and otherwise inconducive to anyone involved being heard or validated. Not exactly the best place to learn listening skills, and I would be far from alone in that.

When the objective of everyone involved is to win rather than to understand, no one walks away from the interaction the better for it. As I came to know better over time, I understood how to do better, but I had to do a lot of learning to get to that point. Sadly, some people never do learn.

What good conversation is

So what makes for a good conversation?

when it’s done, you should feel heard and validated
you should feel like the other person cared about what you had to say
ideally, you should have learned something

But the most important part? That the other person should feel exactly the same way.

To illustrate, I had a couple of diametrically opposite encounters in the past couple of years.

The verbal assault at the gym

One was at a gym I visit on occasion (not my regular gym). A young-ish fellow in the dressing room there, either responding to my simple “hello” or initiating the conversation (I can’t recall), proceeded to talk about himself, including what he does, how well he does it, what he believes (lots of God in there, to be sure), and how flat his belly is. This went on for 10 minutes that felt like a lifetime.

No small talk, no niceties — just a straight launch into the “Me, myself, and I” show in three seconds flat.

Now, I’m the type of person who likes to listen politely for at least a bit, as you never know what you might glean from someone’s story, but this was nothing short of a verbal assault. Extracting myself somehow (a skill all its own) and getting out on the gym floor, I managed to avoid him once he got out there himself.

I remember planning what I would do if I were to run into him again. I would ask, “What makes you want to share all this with me?” Perhaps I might have said, “I appreciate this, but I don’t have time for it,” but I was genuinely curious as to what made him tick.

The answer would have undoubtedly taken up most of my allotted gym time, but what I really hope is not to run into him again (I’m not that interested). I wonder if he has any idea how many people would feel exactly the same way.

The exhilaration of good conversation

In contrast, I once sat with a fellow I didn’t know at a supper for a marine search-and-rescue organization we both belonged to at the time. We started our conversation by asking each other typical small-talk questions, but it turned into much more than that. Each question riffed off of what the last person had said, which is validating all by itself, and led to an unexpectedly deep back-and-forth. It was exhilarating.

It was clear he was interested in my story and I, his. Actually, his life was so fascinating that I probably could have listened to him the whole evening, but that’s not the way he saw it. He seemed to think my story was interesting, too.

I walked away from that conversation feeling heard, validated, cared about, and a bit smarter than I was when we started. In reading his body language and listening to the types of questions he was asking, I think he felt the same way. Rather than hoping never to run into him again, I hoped very much that I would. This was a good conversation.

Questions as the basis of good conversation

The essence of the very best conversation is asking the other person questions, which is something I didn’t learn until later in life (it’s amazing I had dates or girlfriends at all in my teens, come to think of it).

This is important for a few reasons. One is that it shows respect for, and interest in, the other person. Another is that this is how you come to learn their story — and everyone has a story from which you can take something away. A third is that, if the other person is a bit reticent, you can sometimes (not always) draw them out this way because, whether we realize it or not, we all like to talk about ourselves!

But the final reason is the most strategically important (in places where “strategy” matters): the person who asks the questions is the one who controls the conversation.

Think about it as more or less safely steering a vehicle you’re not yourself driving.

Case in point. My wife is an introvert who finds idle chit-chat difficult and even painful. When I gently suggested that she employ more questions in unavoidable conversations, she not only took that to heart, but used it in some unexpectedly successful ways.

For instance, when she knows she’s going to be speaking with someone who loves the sound of their own voice, she asks the initial question, then lets that person go on for as long as they want. All that’s required of her is some perfunctory, occasional head-nodding.

The other person is happy because they get to be the star of the show, and my wife is happy because the conversation is effectively over for her, except for maybe some mop-up at the end. Clever woman, she is.

Good conversation is not a contest

I used to think that every conversation was a contest I had to win, whether by being right about something or by some pathetic one-upmanship. I needed to make my next point before the other person was halfway through speaking. Poor self-esteem, anyone?

I shudder even to think about it, but I’m grateful to have learned better over the years.

Because now that I’m well into my 7th decade, there are probably going to be fewer and fewer people who want to listen to anything I have to say anyway. It’s the way our society runs, for better or for worse, so it’s a good time in life to hone my listening skills even more.

At worst, people will think I’m hard of hearing. At best, I’ll be thought of as one of those rare people in the digital age who is a good listener and a master of the art of good conversation.