Child-centred parenting will do your children no favours

Instead of a child-centred focus, do these three things instead

The perils of a child-centred home

As even a cursory Google search will show, raising your offspring in a child-centred home isn’t a good idea, neither for the children nor the parents.

As many others have already written, there are some real drawbacks to living by the motto “My children are my life.” In the short term, these include, among others:

putting kids in charge of decision-making when they aren’t ready for that level of responsibility;
parental burn-out and always making your own self-care secondary; and
strain on the marriage or other adult partner relationship, if present.

In the longer term, child-centred households lead to:

sending your children unequipped to deal with a world that’s not child-centred;
entitled children who have no concept of selflessness;
delayed maturity, which leads to stress and anxiety in adulthood; and
parents who have no sense of who they are and what their purpose is once the kids have moved out.

Yet this approach, and its first cousin, helicopter parenting, persist.

I cringe when I pull up behind a school bus from time to time, as it stops right at a child passenger’s house, and the parent is out at the curb, making sure that the child doesn’t – I don’t know, sprint off somewhere to join the circus? – in the 10 steps between the bus and the house.

We think we’re doing our kids a big favour by doting on them this way, but the research says we’re doing anything but.

So what should we be doing instead?

Child-centred or family-centred?

Well, understand first that I’m no parenting expert, so take whatever I have to say about raising kids in a child-centred home with a large-sized grain of salt. I have letters after my name, but none have to do with child psychology or any type of psychology, for that matter.

I’m like most of you, having tried to raise my daughter (who is now 29) the best way I knew how. I made mistakes, and many of them. There were times I probably should have been more firm about one issue or another, and there were times I probably should have been more gentle.

All I know is that my daughter, who now lives overseas, has turned out to be as resilient and strong as I could ever have hoped. We talk all the time and share all kinds of conversations, so I’m thinking that at least something went right along the way, even considering the two-household structure in which she was raised.

And in fact, I probably learned more about parenting from her than I ever would have expected, as I wasn’t raised in a home with that type of two-way learning.

So, looking back, what do I think made it work?

It’s what you do in your off-hours that count

Simply put, my daughter was always the most important thing in my life, but she wasn’t the only thing – there’s a critical difference there.

Sure, parents have to work and look after all manner of other non-child banality in their day-to-day lives, but it’s what parents do with all the other hours in the day that can make or break the parenting journey. To my mind, these are the best three things we can do for our children.

1. Be present

And by “present,” I mean, physically, emotionally, and in every other way he or she might need. Just be there. That in itself is not child-centred parenting and, If you don’t make this your priority, the other two pieces of advice won’t matter.

Listen – and I mean really listen – and meet her where she’s at, whether she’s 5, 9, or 15. Suspend judgment. She doesn’t need your damned advice every time she opens her mouth (a lesson I learned far later than I wish I had).

Attend all her recitals, performances, Christmas concerts, whatever. In our case, despite marriage breakdown, my daughter’s mother and I got along quite well (and still do), and we had shared custody, so it was rare when we wouldn’t both be at her events – and there were many.

Being at everything your child considers important isn’t child-centred parenting, it’s treating your children with respect and appreciation for having them in your life.

Now, running your entire household and family life around a child’s activities? That’s another thing entirely and exactly where the problems with child-centred families begin.

2. Live your own life as an example for your children

One of the best things you can do for your child is model what it is to live a rich, diverse, and selfless but self-caring non-child-centred life. After all, how could we expect them to know what that looks like if we don’t do it ourselves?

When my daughter was young, I played recreational hockey, served in local elected office, played music with friends, and was a member of various boards. I wanted her to see me as a whole person, not just as her dad, with my own likes, my own needs, and my own dreams.

It was crucial, my thinking went, for her to see me having friends, serving the community, and mustering up the courage to stand up for what I believed in, even in the face of occasional conflict. There were right ways and wrong ways to do service and conflict, of course, but it never hurt for her to see me make mistakes and own up to them.

I’d like to think that, when she saw her dad sitting around the kitchen table with a group of people discussing politics and political strategy, she could see herself doing the same thing someday.

3. Make your child a part of what you’re doing

Just because your free-time activities aren’t child-centred doesn’t mean he or she can’t be involved.

When I played recreational hockey every Sunday evening, my daughter came to the dressing room after the game from an early age, running around and jumping with the other kids whose parents had brought them to the game.

When she was a bit older, she joined my friends and me in practising music in our basement and even playing violin and singing on stage with us. I remember saying to her when she was 9 or 10 that we should mark this time together because she’ll soon find other interests. Which was accurate, of course.

I even managed to involve her in some of my political activities. We met our Member of Parliament and our Member of the (provincial) Legislature, the latter of whom invited her to attend the swearing-in ceremony when he was appointed to cabinet. She was even introduced in the Legislature once by a different politician I came to know.

Later, my daughter watched me coach youth basketball, which I did, not because my own kid was playing (as is the case for so many parents), but because I love the game and wanted to contribute to its growth in our area. She ended up helping me out with that for a bit, too. Pure joy and a lifetime memory for both of us.

Child-centred homes don’t make for capable, resilient offspring

If we want to raise capable, resilient children, then we have to model ourselves as capable, resilient adults with interests far beyond simply catering to our offspring. We need to be there for them but, at the same time, we need to keep reminding them – and ourselves – that they may be the most important thing in the world, but they are not the only thing.

We need to show them the full spectrum of what it means to be an adult and a parent so they can live and model that themselves someday.

Of course, we have to nurture our children, but we have to find the right balance and nurture ourselves, too. Parents whose motto is, “My children are my life,” will soon find themselves starved for the energy to nurture either one well.

And in a child-centred home, it’s the children who will ultimately pay the price.