In sending advice to my teenage self, I’ve had to accept a harsh reality
Liking yourself
I’m 66, and I like who I am. Or, more precisely, I like who I’ve become in this, my “last quarter.”
But do I like who I was at 18? Not so much, especially in retrospect.
18 was a tough time for me for various reasons, some environmental and some self-inflicted, all of which made me who I was then. But what if I’d had advice from some battle-hardened, semi-sage 66-year-old when I was at that impressionable age?
Well, the truth is that I probably wouldn’t have paid much mind and, if I had, I would’ve turned out to be someone else entirely anyway. Perhaps not the type of person who doles out advice to his younger self on a writing platform, and we would all be poorer for it. At least, that’s what I tell myself.
What would I have needed to hear at 18?
There are valid reasons why we are who we are at any point in our lives, and I’ve delved into my own reasons over the years with more than one therapist, more than one wife, and more than one journal. With all that more or less behind me, it’s a worthwhile (if somewhat unoriginal) idea to consider what I would now tell my 18-year-old self, if that self would just damn well sit down and listen for a bit.
What would I have needed to hear to help me be a better person? Or to comfort me that this (whatever “this” is), too, shall pass? Perhaps to give me some options about education, careers, family, and life in general?
If you’ve read this far, you’ve probably figured out that I wasn’t getting this kind of support elsewhere at 18, so this is a love letter of sorts. We can never have enough of the L-word, self-love or otherwise, even if it’s a decade or five late.
Dear Jerry,
You were smart…
You turned 18 in February. Congratulations on finishing high school, although you never really had to work that hard at it, did you? Because of your good marks, not only did the school exempt you from writing final exams in Grade 12, they even allowed you to leave school a month early to get out there and work. Which you needed to do because you had to get away from home and move into your own place, of course. Bravo.
So much of that “book learning” came easily for you (and, to your credit, this was because you listened in class), which you’ll find over time is both a curse and a blessing. If you choose to go to university at some point (and I recognize that this is not even on your radar right now), you’ll have to develop real study habits and techniques. Just listening in class won’t be enough.
The worst of having academic things come easily to you is that you’ll continue to think you’re smarter about many other things than you actually are. You’ll believe that you don’t have to prepare as much for certain things to the extent that you do. And this will come back to bite you in more ways than one, believe me.
…but you could be a real asshole
Which reminds me. You just spent three years learning electrical construction at school. Moreover, you’ve been doing electrical work for others for some years and have real hands-on experience. So there’s no question that you know stuff.
But remember when your electrical shop teacher set you up to help that electrician, and you thought you knew better than he did with everything he told you? Yeah, that might not have been such a good idea. You’re not finding work in your field after high school, and you’ll never know for certain whether it’s because of the economy or because your hubris at 18 has made the rounds among other electricians.
Whether you like to hear it or not, you could be a real asshole, mainly because you often thought yourself to be smarter than you really are. I get that this comes from a place of low self-esteem, but you might want to embrace some humility there – you’d be surprised how well that’ll serve you, and not just at 18.
Stay in school…longer
By the way, I know you had to work to pay the rent before Grade 12 was even done, but if there’s any way you can go back to high school for another year, you should do that. With the electrical thing not panning out as you’d hoped, you’re unsure what you want to do anyway, so consider another year at your beloved alma mater.
Play another year of basketball with guys who will be your lifetime friends. Take classes on subjects just for fun. Keep working on your writing, on which your English teacher has complimented and encouraged you several times. Who knows where that could lead? (Hint, hint.)
Take French. Then take more French. I know university is far from your thoughts (and trust me – you’re too immature to take full advantage of university right now anyway), but are you aware that you’ll need a second language just to be accepted? You have NO idea how handy this will be in the future, not just academically but in terms of where you might live in the years to come. Crois-moi, mon ami, crois-moi.
And take time in that extra year to figure out what else might be out there. Despite your occasional arrogance, I know you struggle with self-image, as many 18-year-olds do.
This is why it’s so difficult for you to picture yourself doing anything beyond the circle of options you’ve grown up with, particularly since you attended a high school specifically geared toward the trades.
Expand your horizons
Find someone to talk to who has a perspective of the country and the world beyond your little corner of it. Consider what your “outside the box” options might be. If you could have any job in the world, what would it be? Have you thought about the military (where, incidentally, you could get a paid education)? What about the Coast Guard? And travel? Where would you like to go?
I know you’ve never even laid eyes on an ocean, but I will suggest that, once you do, you might take to it more than you could ever imagine. You may want to figure out how to do that sooner rather than later. Maybe there’s a reason you grew up on Atlantic Avenue. Just sayin’.
You’re more capable than you think, but…
If I could tell you only one thing, my beleaguered 18-year-old self, it’s that you might not be as smart as you sometimes think, but you’re way more capable than you see yourself as being. And you have a lot more options than what meets the eye.
I know you feel intimidated and inferior to some of the people around you and that you live much of your life trying to avoid their anger, criticism, and derision. It’s tough to make bold decisions in those circumstances.
This will pass eventually, but it’ll take a lot of introspection and hard work. If you don’t take a good, critical look in the mirror right now and deal with all this shit somehow, it’s going to explode in your face and you’ll hurt the people you love just as badly as others have hurt you. And I know you wouldn’t want that because you’re a good, decent person at heart.
Doing all this will almost certainly require severing some relationships and talking to someone who can help you navigate these treacherous waters of becoming a better person at 18, but I guarantee you it’ll be worth it. You are worth it, and so are those who’ll come into your life over time. It’s never too late.
With much love and care,
Your 66-year-old self